Cob Jockey

This has been an interesting season of my life. A growing season.

Coworker: "You free?" Me: "It's 7pm on a Wednesday, man." *sends this photo*

I started a new job at the same employer, my first ever management job, in mid-October. Brought Disco home in early November. Realized I have no idea how to ride my own horse anymore in early December.

WTF do I even do with this?

In every aspect of my life except CrossFit, in which I'm finally feeling some kind of mastery after a decade, I'm finding myself in situations where I previously felt confident, experienced and in control, and now I'm suddenly back at square one, having to re-learn everything, having to prove myself all over again in new ways.

WTF do I even do with this?

This is, as you can maybe imagine, not easy, not all at once like that. Some days I'm able to take a deep breath, lean into the uncertainty and tell myself that I am capable of learning all of the new skills I need right now and getting through this uncomfortable season of growth, and that I will be better for it in the end.

After all, I've done this before, six years ago during my first months in a stretch job that was dramatically different from what I did before, and it left me sobbing at my desk then. That insanely painful period of growth was a formative experience that left me better for it in every possible way - a better human, a better employee, a better engineer. Even though it sucked to get through.

I'm so grateful for this geriatric babysitter <3

Other days, I am not able to hold it together as well and the strain of having to learn so much so fast and deal with the discomfort gets to me in the most unexpected ways. It never strikes me in the moments you think it would - I am capable, I get the things done that need to be done no matter my mental state. My bosses would tell you (and do tell me) that I'm doing incredible in my new role, and they're getting praise from across the organization for how good and effective I am.

("Your real experience is introducing some reason into this. I appreciate your willingness to not just smile and nod - it's refreshing," - Slack message from an industry leader I've respected for years after I took a stand and passionately derailed a metaphorical train during a meeting this week.)

I'm here to derail your trains and look good doing it. No matter how overwhelmed I feel, I sure as hell am looking forward to my husband's employer's annual holiday party in January, which is a masquerade ball this year.

No, it strikes me at home, when I'm suddenly not able to get the laundry done, when the Christmas shopping gets alternately very done and then very not done in manic swings, when my normally clean office gets cluttered because I just can't, even though I have more "free time" than ever right now what with not having a riding horse at home.

I did get all five trees up and all the inside garland done. I didn't do the outside garland. Something had to give.

Why am I sharing this? Not for sympathy, I don't need or want that, I will get through this and to be honest, sympathy makes me uncomfortable. I don't need any more discomfort in my life right now.

I'm sharing it because I want to normalize it. It's okay to challenge yourself, to admit that you weren't born knowing everything, to realize that you are capable of learning new things, and to recognize that it will still not be easy or comfortable no matter how smart or talented you are. 

It's also okay to admit to myself that I'm not dealing with things as well as I normally do right now. Christmas is an especially bad time of year for that, and then layer in the third wave of the pandemic and more friends dying preventably and the guilt and anguish that comes along with that, and, well, yeah. December 2021 is starting to feel like March 2020 all over again, except this time with all the promises of normalcy in the New Year that had been given to me (ball gowns and dancing and friends I haven't seen in years and airplanes and drinking with customers in strange cities and conferences and team off-sites and hotel bars and wearing heels and...) I am not nearly as mentally capable this time around.

The one bright spot in all of this is that Disco continues to be an absolutely foot-perfect baby, which is such a relief.

I'm also sharing it because it has everything to do with my approach to horses right now. Just like I don't know what I'm doing running a team at work yet, I don't know what I'm doing with a weanling or with a coming Third Level horse either, but I'm committed to learning and to not freaking out over it. I tell myself that I will screw up, I will learn, I will wish I'd done things differently years from now, and that's just what being human is.

And then ten minutes later, I will freak out about all of that. And then I'll get it together again. And then I'll freak out again. Rinse, repeat.

So yeah, I'm not blogging as much right now, although Connor comes home next weekend, so that will probably change soon. But this post felt worth writing, and I hope if you're feeling overwhelmed or if you're in a season of growth like I am, I hope you feel a little less alone. 

Hank is a dog that I'd eventually like to come to horse shows with me.  He's smart, listens well, rarely barks or howls unless it's on command or he's hungry, and doesn't have a shred of separation anxiety.  And he LOVES adventures.

#porchin

But good horse show dogs are made, not born, and Hank needs the chance to learn how to be a good one.  Luckily, I got a perfect opportunity to give him an education when, due to a marathon in my city that would clog the roads for the entire day of the show, I had to haul Connor in to the horse park 24 hours before my ride time on Saturday.

Definitely not allowed on my couch

We've had Hank for a year now, and his obedience training is MILES better than it was when we got him.  We've slowly worked up to doing obedience in increasingly more distracting/challenging public places, til we're at the point that he's a Good Boy in most situations.

Like learning that he has to down/stay while in the checkout line at Rural King

Now that he's at that point with obedience, I've started bringing him around the horses, which is VERY EXCITING!  At Rolex, he boinged up and down feet into the air on the end of his leash every time a horse ran by.  Thankfully we were hundreds of feet away so the horses didn't notice, but it was clear that we need to make horses running around boring for this dog.

So since I had nothing to do except unload my trailer and feed my horse on Friday evening, that's exactly what Hank and I did.  We watched horses run around for HOURS.  After he was already worn out physically.  When the riders were just practicing, so if something did go horribly wrong, it wouldn't happen during an actual test.

Tense, active, forced down stay

Eyes on swivels

I had a pocket full of training treats with me, and did a lot of boring obedience with him - sit, down, stay, high five, gimme paw, lay on your side, roll over, crawl.  Just to prove he has to listen to me rather than stay on high alert.  Then we went back to the barn for a brief mental break for him.

Tied to the wall

And finally we went back to watch my trainer teach a lesson in the warmup ring, sitting right up against the rail so the horse cantered right by us, and this is when he FINALLY started to get bored with it.

Relaxed, willing down stay a few hours later

It was nice having him there, people I didn't know came up to introduce themselves and ask about  him.  I joked that he was on "horse show probation", and even though he improved a lot over the course of the afternoon, I didn't bring him back for the actual show the next day.  He's not good enough to where he wouldn't be a distraction for me, and I didn't need that while showing.

Future horse show dog.  Future very weird horse show dog.

Someday though!  He'll get there.

The first time they shared a bed and laid against each other

Sorry for the gratuitous boob shot, but I was doing mobility on my lunch break and Hank decided to...join me...

Morning walks with weight in his backpack

More mobility

Bonk

Everyone is different about getting a new dog after you lose one.  My husband and I knew pretty quickly after we lost Tucker that we are not a one dog family. 

Bitsy, the best coworker, glued to my side during work

My husband wanted something around a year old, and he wanted something more loyal than Tucker was.  We didn't mind getting another Husky, but we had to keep in mind that with our travel schedules, it couldn't be something completely wild.  He also wanted something trainable that he could take hiking and maybe do some agility with.

We spent a month scouring PetFinder and visiting rescues with no luck.  Then one night I was browsing Craigslist and saw an ad from a city two hours away that literally had three phrases: German Shepherd Husky mix, awesome dog, housetrained, $100. 

And that's how we got Hank:

Derp.

Hank is a 1 year old GSD/Husky mix, although the more I get to know him the more I think he leans waaaaaaaaay more to the GSD side of that mix.  His behavior and attitude are like 80% GSD, 20% Husky.


We know from fostering many Huskies that the first couple weeks are always rocky as they adjust to a new house and routine, and Hank is no exception.  He's had very little structure in his life so far, the gerbils in his brain tend to go a million miles an hour without direction, keeping pace with his feet, which run everywhere he goes.


But he's proven to be wicked smart and easily trainable, which is awesome.  He came with "sit" and "paw", and in the 48 hours we've had him he's added "down", "wait", "get in your crate", "get in your bed", the "'no' noise", and has a reasonably reliable loose-leash "heel" like 50% of the time (he's a terrible puller). 


Like any high-energy, young working breed, wearing him out is going to be key to our success with him.  We've been doing walks with water bottles in the backpack before work, clicker in hand, working on "heel", "sit", and "pay attention to the human because I will change direction at any moment and you have to deal with that".  That's been working out pretty well so far:

Tired doggo = good doggo

We have a place in town that trains GSDs for police departments in addition to having a doggy daycare and obedience/trick training/etc program, so he's going to start going there a couple days a week for part day playcare, part day obedience. 

Learning about waiting patiently in the checkout line

More than anything, I want another dog to put him in his damn place and teach him some doggy body language, since while he respects Bitsy as queen of the house, he doesn't understand that she has ZERO interest in playing with him.  And also, he does need someone to play with him and we can't provide that.

Bitsy guarding her pig ear, and Hank respecting her even though he REALLY wants it

He was supposedly housebroken (nope), and supposedly crate trained (only if you count knowing exactly how to open crate latches and escape within minutes of being put in one), so we're having to stay one step ahead of this super smart guy.  A couple of carabiners and zip ties on the crate fixed his little red wagon last night, and we got to listen to him cry himself to sleep when he realized he couldn't escape from the crate.

Privacy fence = worth every penny with this dog

Even with all that, he's already an awesome addition to the family.  Can't wait to see what kind of guy he grows up to be!