Getting Through Depression

Nicku's post about her personal struggles, and Lauren and Aimee's posts about being a good blogger, and Amy's post about not being a good blogger (totally disagree with you, by the way!) made me want to share this: I have been depressed lately.  Well and truly depressed, not-sure-if-there's-anything-to-smile-about depressed, can't-remember-what-day-it-is depressed.  I've never felt this way before.  I thought it would get better when Nick got a job, but I still find myself randomly crying for almost no reason once or twice a day, even though I have so much to be happy about.

Smile, stupid human!
And I would love to say that I can leave it at the arena gate, but the truth is, nobody truly can do that - even if your problems aren't on your mind, they're going to change the way you perceive and react to things.  Connor and I went through a rough patch during my depression, which made it that much harder to deal with hours of stalls on Sundays when you're wondering what you're even doing here.

Just in the past couple days, though, things have started to brighten a bit.  My awesome boss recognized that I'm struggling with our demanding job that is more like a 24/7 lifestyle, and ordered me to take next week off and spend a ton of time at the barn (seriously an awesome boss) - I love my job and have never taken a whole week off in my entire career, so I will probably be anxious to get back to it after next week.

My trainer also helped explain and push me through the rough patch.  She pointed out that my lessons for the past month have all been about my position in the saddle, which has improved a ton and is close to being internalized.  But training and riding are not linear pursuits, and other things had to slide while we worked on my position, with the understanding that we'll pick them back up later.
Those gorgeous red trees
shed all their leaves overnight!

She told me not to freak out about it, and ended up helping me put it all together into a great lesson on Thursday, and then today I had a positively incredible ride in the 60 degree sunshine.  Every step was harmonious and we were both happy, and he was light in my hands and working over his back.  I did switch from the french link baucher to the KK loose ring, and he seemed to respond well both to that change and me stepping up and riding like I know what I'm doing.

So, deep breath, pause, everything's going to be okay.  And I promise to get back to being a better blogger soon.

27 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you have been stuggling with depression but it sounds like things are heading in the right direction. Enjoy your time off!

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  2. I'm sorry you had to experience that kind of depression, it can be very hard to explain to people who have never been depressed and like with a lot of stuff you just work your way through it. *hug*

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    1. Thanks, I know you have been through some rough patches too, it means a lot.

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  3. I'm sorry too. We've been dealing with depression in my family unit this summer and it's been rough. The only takeaways I can offer is that Vitamin D and St. John's Wort have really helped. Enjoy your week off work and I hope you're feeling better!

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    1. I'm sorry to hear about your family, nobody should have to feel like that. I keep hearing Vitamin D, so I bought some today. Fingers crossed!

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  4. Went through something similar several years ago. It lasted about a year and a half. Awful. *hugs*

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    1. I can't imagine feeling this way for that long, I'm glad you made it through. Wow. Thanks for the support.

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  5. Very sorry. You will pull through this and get back to enjoying things to the fullest. (hugs)

    Love the new banner!

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    1. Thank you for everything, seriously!

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  6. Sorry to hear you've been struggling with depression, and glad to hear that you have folks in your corner supporting you. It's a rough time of year for this kind of thing, too. I hope the world starts to look a bit brighter very soon. If not, there really are some pretty useful approaches to treatment -- individual mileage may vary re: the various options, but please know that you _do_ have options if you should decide you want 'em.

    Best of luck!

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    1. Thank you so much. I am beginning to think that this is unusually bad SAD, and I'm looking into a light and vitamin D, as well as more barn time in the sunshine. My transition to a state in which the sun doesn't rise until 8:15am in fall/winter hasn't been easy, but it's also never been this bad before.

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  7. Ah, Jen you are not alone. It gets better, but for me it has been slow. Take joy in your family, friends and animals.

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    1. Thanks. Planning on it. Connor always brings a smile to my face, more pony time!

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  8. So very sorry, depression is a difficult and hard to understand place to be. Here's to a great week off!

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  9. Enjoy your week off with your pony! Depression is so hard to talk about and is something not everyone understands. Sorry to hear about your struggles and I hope that Conner can help with them :)
    If it continues, there are many options (I work in the mental health field, please ask any questions if you have them).

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    1. I will, thank you so much for the offer. I'm looking into a couple of different options based on the fact that it appears to be seasonal.

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    2. There are a couple of things you can do for seasonal depression that does not involve meds. I know a lot of people do not want to go that route so I hope you find something that works for you! Time with the pony will sure helps, I know it helps me.

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  10. Depression, and SAD, sucks. IT REALLY SUCKS. But the good thing is that there are a lot of options as far as treatment goes, and it is, thankfully, seasonal. But it still sucks. Hang in there, friend.

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    1. Thank you. I'm exploring the options and they seem to be working so far.

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  11. Your boss sounds incredible. I'm glad you're able to take some time and take care of yourself now. You're a strong woman to keep your life together for the past couple of years. Here's to a brighter tomorrow.

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    1. Thanks. My boss is pretty good, and one of the reasons I haven't left where I am for something higher up the career chain.

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  12. Hope this week off is helping lift your spirits - horses have a way of healing souls. You have been thru months of stress while your husband looked for a new job. And maybe that is now catching up with you - even though you have reason to celebrate. Nothing wrong with talking with a doctor and choosing an option to help. Keeping you in my thoughts!

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    1. I think so, and I am definitely feeling better after this week. it's been good! Thanks!

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  13. It is great that you are open and talking about it. I struggled with depression a great deal in my 20's and then severe post partum depression after my second daughter. If nothing else know you are not alone. You are doing things right in working your way through it. I also get mild seasonal depression about 2x's a year. By first recognizing it and second talking about it, it will help you greatly in finding the steps you need to take to get through it. The scariest time, in looking back, is when I was in such a deep depression I couldn't even recognize what was happening to me. And it sounds like you have a great support system and from your couple recent posts that you have been going better.

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    1. Wow, thank you for sharing. I had no idea! Mine did not get that far, thankfully. I haven't cried once since I started taking Vitamin D and also got a light box. Nick told me that up to 50% of women in an irregular time zone area (which Indiana is in) have SAD, so you and I are not alone. I'm glad you made it through and also glad you and others shared your stories, I feel so much less alone.

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