Cob Jockey

One of the things I was hoping to get out of having Encore around was perspective. See, I regularly rode nothing but Connor for 12 years, except Aeres. I don't have a lot of experience "dating" different horses. And Encore is a very different animal from Connor and Disco - from a different "side" of Lisa's bloodlines, with far different movement and temperament.

But I had no idea just how much perspective riding Encore would give me in the end.

Connor always went clear, but boy did he make it interesting. Fox River Valley Pony Club HT, 2014

A fellow Welsh Cob enthusiast who is currently competing two very different types of Cobs in Dressage told me recently that she's found it really beneficial to ride both. It helps you understand yourself as a rider, and when it might not be you. And that got me thinking.

Penny Oaks, HHP, 2015

I spent the better part of a decade internalizing Connor's every inability to learn something new, every time he didn't respond to my aids, every time I thought "why is this so hard", as a failure of mine and mine alone. He would take the world by storm with a better rider, if I just handed the reins to my trainer, if I just wasn't so bad at riding, if I just wasn't such a slow learner, if my body just wasn't so crooked.That was my internal monologue.

And to be fair to him, it was both largely my riding that built that horse, AND he was the horse I needed at the time. Safe enough to be safe, spicy enough to be fun but not scary, he helped me conquer some fear I had developed in college and taught me how to enjoy riding again. He gave me experiences I had only dreamed about as a kid - winning an event, running XC, getting a neck ribbon, learning collection.

Jump Start HT, KHP, 2014. BN feels massive on the back of a 14hh pony, for the record.

But Encore has shown me that Connor is also just naturally a difficult ride as a sporthorse. When I first got Connor, a clinician told me that it "just seems to take a long time for things to get from your aids to his brain to his feet", and that never changed over the years. And even though Encore is nowhere near as educated as Connor, things have come more easily for me on a horse with more of an engine, more reactivity to aids, and quicker feet. I can be a more subtle rider.

Hamilton County Dressage Show, 2016. Photo by Paul Wood Photography.

There was still one thing I couldn't figure out though: Why had Aeres, who is a very similar horse to Encore in terms of movement and bloodlines, but much more trained than either Encore or Connor, not given me this same realization that Encore has?

Aeres, November 2020

It took a wise friend on a similar therapy journey to mine to help me figure it out: "You were in a different place at the time. Emotional awareness matters so much," she said. And it hit me. 

Baby noodle's first show ever, June 2012

It wasn't in my vocabulary at the time to ask myself if I was happy or to stop to compare Aeres and Connor or to ask myself if maybe I wasn't always the problem. At the time, I threw myself 110% into horses, and specifically competing, as an escape from other things, even though I didn't realize that's what was happening until many years later. Self-flagellation and blaming everything on my bad riding were easy to reach for, while asking myself how I felt about something and giving legitimacy and validity to my own feelings was so difficult I didn't even know it was an option.

The good news - Connor doesn't need to be a sporthorse to make me happy. He makes me happy standing in his stall and nickering at me, and trail riding, and being the horse I can pop on bareback and drink a glass of wine on on a cold winter night. And I'm grateful for the personal growth and perspective it has taken to appreciate him for who he is, and to appreciate myself for what I am, and to know much more clearly what makes a good match for me under saddle at the stage of riding I'm at.

Thanks, Encore.

 January

I brought Connor home from CGP's and had to learn how to ride my new horse! It turned out all that Dressage gave him newfound confidence over fences. I decided to keep Aeres for one more month and got to experience owning two riding horses for the first time. Also, sigh, I realized (again) that my saddle didn't fit.

 February

The story this month was what I didn't post about: the lady flying out to try Aeres, falling in love with her, and then Aeres getting desperately sick. I only wrote six benign posts, including one about my truck stranding me at the worst possible time, but privately I was dealing with a LOT.

Love you too, jerk

March

This month, I finally wrote up the Aeres medical saga, and at the time I wrote it, I thought she was out of the woods, but unfortunately that wasn't the case, so I ended up basically live blogging the last few weeks of it. We spent a solid two weeks keeping her alive on feeding tubes without knowing if she would ever be able to swallow again, and the day before we were going to make the call, she began swallowing again, and eventually made a full recovery. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Final Thoughts. Outside of that, this was also the month I started virtual lessons, which were such a game changer.

April

I showed 2-3 for the first time at Heartland, got my amateur status back, hauled my mom's geriatric donkey from Illinois to Tennessee, and...a very special colt was born on April 28th, which just so happened to also be the day I got my second shot, something that made the entire show season ahead of me actually feel possible after everything was cancelled in 2020. I didn't speak for him immediately, but I had a feeling that I might.

"Why yes, hello world."

May

I officially bought Dyma Hi's colt, who I named Disco (Castleberrys Deja Vu). I rode with my trainer's trainer, who was the non-traveling reserve for the Olympics this year, and showed twice: once schooling, and once rated, for the first time with my trainer and her crew. I also rode the now-healthy Aeres one last time before she left, and tried a Bua.

June

Holly from Party Pony Eventing came to visit and rode Connor, I bought a Western saddle, and then I (finally) bought a Dressage saddle (that I still don't have as I write this post!). I showed at Waterloo for the first time, again with CGP's crew, and had a blast.

It was, um, wet.

There was an open show held the Sunday of Pony Cup, but I decided I'd rather get home a day early than show in it, so on Saturday evening me, Lisa, my mom and Erika piled into my truck.

Leah saying goodbye to Connor. PC: My mom

The closest my horse will ever get to Baseball Heaven! I hope he waved. PC: My mom

Rather than try to drive all the way back home, the plan was to stay the night at Lisa's house so that we could play with babies and Erika could ride Connor before she flew home.

Connor: "Unexpected, but ok." PC: My mom

The next morning I woke up to the sounds of two whinnies I know well: Aeres screaming at Connor from her paddock outside the barn and Connor answering. They couldn't see each other, but you knew they knew each other. Lisa said she guessed Aeres was in heat.

The best girl, look at how round she is again!

All that is to say, by the time I took Connor down the driveway and around the pond to tack him up at my trailer for Erika to ride him, he was jumping out of his skin. 

Connor: "WHERE'S MY LADY, I CAN HEAR HER" PC: My mom

Which on the one hand was awesome because he was clearly feeling great after 10 hours on the trailer and 3 days at a horse show. But on the other hand...

PC: Erika

That's me on him, not Erika. I wasn't dressed to ride, but I quickly realized I didn't have a choice. If I'd had a lunge line I might have thought about it, but I didn't need it. Even on his worst days (and this was one of them) he's not THAT BAD.

Still have never come off this horse in 10 years

Now the fun thing is, in between being tense as hell, skittering sideways and threatening to take off with me, it was a good reminder of how much impulsion matters in Dressage and how often I don't have enough of it.

PC: Erika (and all vids are from Erika too)

It was one of those rides where getting against him did nothing, I just had to sit down, plug in and wait him out.

Even when he got a little squirrely.

Lol

I tried wearing him out, I tried making him use his body, I tried making the work itself harder, and nothing was taking the edge off.

It was quickly becoming clear Erika wasn't getting on him, and I said as much. We've talked about how nervous we both are about getting on strange horses, and there was no way I was going to put her through getting on my spicy pony in an open field while he was doing his very best Chestnut Stallion impression.

He sure is pretty even when he's being a twit

So that established, I did a little more work - with slightly more control - and called it a day.

When I saw the pictures later, all I could do was shake my head. Why can't I get THIS extension in the show ring?!

And that's how Connor convinced Erika to make a return trip to Indiana this fall! #doover

After all this, the woman who flew in to try Aeres (Alice) in February still wants her.

She and I have texted off and on over the months, and she calls Aeres her heart horse. The big question, though, was how would she be as a riding horse after all this? 

In April, I had finally gotten a chance to see her amputated tongue, and it was nowhere near as bad as I had envisioned from the vets telling me they had to take 2-3" off. It's clearly short, but unless you're looking for it, you almost can't tell.

So based on that, I had a feeling that she would be pretty good under saddle, and I volunteered to put a ride on her before she went anywhere so Alice would know what she was getting into. And with her wound finally healed enough for it, we did it last weekend.

She was very out of shape, but no different from before.

Reminder that my GIFs are in slow motion. Driving me crazy that I can't figure this out!

Lisa asked if I wanted to lunge her first, and I said no. This horse may be an absolute weirdo on the ground sometimes (mostly when she has ulcers) but I trust her more than I even trust Connor in the saddle. Even knowing I would be riding her in an open field next to a loud road far from the rest of her herd when she hadn't been ridden in months, I wasn't worried.

I only rode for about 10 minutes, but we did w/t/c both directions, leg yields, and circles of various sizes, and it all felt the same as before. She was rushy and flat, but only due to her lack of strength, which will of course come back with time. Alice is sending her straight to her trainer when she gets out there, which is a good thing.

I had Lisa take some portraits of us, because it's almost certainly the last time I'll ever ride her, and might be the last time I ever see her too. After this ride, it sounds like Alice is making quick plans to get her to the east coast. (And she's taking my CWD Dressage saddle with her - it fits Aeres and Alice well, and I was having trouble selling it here anyway, so everybody wins)

I'm going to miss this girl, but it's been so fun to be a small part of first bringing her into the world and then helping her find her place in the world. She helped me too - helped me figure out what I wanted in my next horse and gave me the confidence that I could afford two. Without her, I'm not sure I would have been able to pull the trigger on Disco.

Be a good girl, Aeres!

One last failed ears up picture for posterity, lol

No news is good news on the Aeres front, but I figured you'd all want an update anyway.

Just...swoon. I miss riding this movement! PC: Lisa

She's doing absolutely amazing.

No filter. PC: Lisa

On my way to my parents' on Thursday, I stopped to see her for the first time since that early March night when we hustled her back onto the trailer four hours after she got home. 

I could just stand there and watch her eat and swallow grass for hours. Every swallow seems miraculous.

She spends her days with "Dr. Grass" as Lisa says, gaining weight by the day. Her wound, which I didn't get any pictures of, looks amazing and is almost completely healed except for a couple of spots. That last bit of healing will take the longest, of course, but it's made incredible progress in such a short amount of time.

I can't believe you're alive <3

Her wound has to be fully healed before we can put a bridle on her and see how her tongue amputation affects her, but I did get a chance to look at her tongue for the first time last weekend and it's WAY better than I thought it'd be. They really didn't take much off at all, and I don't think it'll affect her as a riding horse. Her prospective future owner agrees and still wants her, but as I've said before, it doesn't matter one way or another, she has a forever home regardless.

Keep eating and keep healing, little girl

Horses are fragile

I know this comparison is going to make me sad, and I'm doing it anyway.

November 2020. Someday she's going to look like this again!

You think you know this, and then you're suddenly slapped in the face with it like this and suddenly the reality of that statement sets in. One of the vets said horses' bodies are poorly suited to fighting off infection compared to other animals, which I've never thought about before, but it makes sense. There are probably fewer opportunities for a long convalescence as a prey animal than there are as a top-of-the-food-chain human, so humans have gotten the chance to evolve infection-fighting immune systems more completely. "They're just big, fragile, poorly designed animals in a lot of ways," the one vet said.

There's still much we don't know about equine medicine.

Me, age 5-ish, with Sammy, my family's first African Grey

After having African Greys for almost 30 years, I'm used to working within the constraints of incomplete veterinary understanding of my pets, following guidelines that are more "old wives tale" and "err on the side of caution" than published study because I don't have anything better to rely on. But I always thought horses were closer to dogs and cats on the animal science spectrum until this. I've never been told "I don't know" as many times with a horse as I was during this ordeal, and that's not a knock on the vets in any way, I appreciate the humility it takes to say that, but they really just did not know in many cases from start to finish with this. Even the amount of time she was on a feeding tube (2 weeks) was uncharted territory!

There are things much worse - emotionally and financially - than (successful) colic surgery.

Far, far less gory than it was a few weeks ago!

Obviously if your colic surgery ended tragically, there's nothing worse than that. But I spent my whole life thinking colic surgery was a worst case veterinary medicine scenario. Planning for it financially, holding it up in casual conversation as a big tragedy. But I found myself many times WISHING this was something as simple as colic surgery, something where, within a matter of minutes, you have a concrete diagnosis of a well-understood ailment, an action plan, a firm cost estimate, and you can take a big step  to fix it almost immediately.

Contrast that to what we went through: we don't know what caused this, we don't know how long it will take for her to leave the hospital, we don't really know how to fix it, we don't know how much this will cost. We'd authorize the bill through a certain amount, and they'd call a week later to get another authorization to continue, having used that amount up. We faced a situation where every day was a gamble, every dollar we spent was a bet placed that her nerves would come back to life before we got to the point we couldn't afford to keep her up there and alive anymore. The uncertainty was gut-wrenching in a way that I never thought was possible.

Pre-existing vet relationships are important.

Happy to be back at Lisa's, who is better set up for small pen turnout than I am

I am so grateful we had my new vet out for spring shots way earlier than we usually did this year, so he had just seen her two days before all this started. I used to do my own shots, back when that's what I could afford, but now I will cheerfully fork over the farm call fee to have my vet see my healthy animal once a year, just so I have someone to call in an emergency like this. And it has transformed my relationship with this vet for the better - nothing like trial by fire!

The list of people I would co-own a horse with is now up to two.

Lisa with Connor's stallion full brother, Cadence

I used to say Mary was the only person on the planet I could co-own a horse with, but after this experience I can confidently add Lisa to that list. We worked as a team throughout this entire thing, often making decisions together, but sometimes we both had to make decisions independently too. It meant a lot that she had that much trust in me, and that 11 years into our friendship, I know her well enough to read her mind and confidently authorize treatments even when I couldn't reach her to double check. Sometimes the way we arrived at a decision took different paths, but we always arrived at the same place regardless, and that was pretty cool.

There are differences between private practice hospitals and university hospitals, and now I know them.

Anyone who's read this blog knows Purdue had a big miss on this case, but they also saved her life. The downsides to a teaching hospital are the rotating cast of characters, (if your horse is there longer than one rotation) and the relative inexperience of the non-senior vets. The upside is that it's cheaper - I am not saying this was cheap by any means, but it was a heck of a lot cheaper at Purdue than Rood and Riddle would've been, and then the longer we were there, the harder they worked to find "teaching funds" for things like bloodwork to make our bill even a little smaller. Honestly, if she had been at R&R, our money might have run out before her ability to swallow came back, so being at Purdue may have saved her life in that respect. 

COVID-19 sucks.

Back home again at Lisa's

COVID-19 complicated every bit of this ordeal, from the hours I spent waiting in the truck, to peeing in my trailer, to not being able to see with our own eyes whether she was eating or not when they discharged her the first time. More than once when we both wanted to question the vets on whether something was or was not happening, I reminded Lisa that we did not have a choice but to trust them, because we weren't allowed to go see her. This virus can go to hell, and I can't wait to flip it the bird (and honor my healthy 49 year old CrossFit friend that died of it after contracting it while traveling for Thanksgiving) by signing up for my vaccination first thing Wednesday morning.

I am still not insuring Connor after all this.

I know, a lot of you probably think I'm crazy, and that's fine, insurance is 100% the right route for a lot of people. But if anything, this experience just validated my choice to self-insure (pay the amount I would be paying in premiums into a savings account every month), and I was grateful for the freedom we had to make decisions purely on what the vets said and how much we could afford, and not what insurance would/would not cover. I cannot deny that that is privilege, but it's also 11 years of planning ahead, prioritizing saving before spending every time I get paid, and being grateful that it was there when I offered to help defray some cost.

This wraps up the Aeres medical saga. Sorry for all the cliffhangers, but that's what my life felt like right alongside all you guys! I'll continue to post updates on her as I get them, but for now, her life is all about eating, gaining weight, and being a horse again.