Cob Jockey

Posting about non-horsey things is not something I do often, but you deserve an update from my depression post after all of the kind words and suggestions you offered.  You ended up making the difference, since you were the ones that suggested taking Vitamin D.

Since that post, I've started taking a 1000 IU Vitamin D pill every morning and using a SAD lightbox for 30 minutes every morning.  I also found out that up to 50% of women in an irregular time zone area, (where the time and the sun are not really normalized with a daily American schedule - includes most of Indiana), have Seasonal Affectivity Disorder, and that a huge percentage of Americans have a Vitamin D deficiency due to not enough outside time year-round.  Who knew?

My lightbox

This is what I've found:
- The day I started taking Vitamin D was the first day I didn't cry in several weeks.
- The one day I forgot to take Vitamin D since then, I freaked out, panicked, cried and snapped at my co-worker over a minor work crisis that was resolved in minutes.
- I am constantly so happy after I started taking it, and find it easier to deal with life.
- The lightbox makes me feel alert, like I've had coffee before I've had coffee in the mornings.

So, for me, Vitamin D = happy pills, lightbox = energy.  (Also, the Vitamin D was $2.99 for a 3 month supply, so it's cheap and effective!)  The change in the way I feel is so dramatic - from not being able to find the joy in anything and crying every day, to running around the house singing at the top of my lungs and chasing the dogs on a regular basis (sorry, dogs) because I just can't contain it.  No exaggeration!

I hope this helps someone.  Thank you all again!

Nicku's post about her personal struggles, and Lauren and Aimee's posts about being a good blogger, and Amy's post about not being a good blogger (totally disagree with you, by the way!) made me want to share this: I have been depressed lately.  Well and truly depressed, not-sure-if-there's-anything-to-smile-about depressed, can't-remember-what-day-it-is depressed.  I've never felt this way before.  I thought it would get better when Nick got a job, but I still find myself randomly crying for almost no reason once or twice a day, even though I have so much to be happy about.

Smile, stupid human!

And I would love to say that I can leave it at the arena gate, but the truth is, nobody truly can do that - even if your problems aren't on your mind, they're going to change the way you perceive and react to things.  Connor and I went through a rough patch during my depression, which made it that much harder to deal with hours of stalls on Sundays when you're wondering what you're even doing here.

Just in the past couple days, though, things have started to brighten a bit.  My awesome boss recognized that I'm struggling with our demanding job that is more like a 24/7 lifestyle, and ordered me to take next week off and spend a ton of time at the barn (seriously an awesome boss) - I love my job and have never taken a whole week off in my entire career, so I will probably be anxious to get back to it after next week.

My trainer also helped explain and push me through the rough patch.  She pointed out that my lessons for the past month have all been about my position in the saddle, which has improved a ton and is close to being internalized.  But training and riding are not linear pursuits, and other things had to slide while we worked on my position, with the understanding that we'll pick them back up later.

Those gorgeous red trees shed all their leaves overnight!

She told me not to freak out about it, and ended up helping me put it all together into a great lesson on Thursday, and then today I had a positively incredible ride in the 60 degree sunshine.  Every step was harmonious and we were both happy, and he was light in my hands and working over his back.  I did switch from the french link baucher to the KK loose ring, and he seemed to respond well both to that change and me stepping up and riding like I know what I'm doing.

So, deep breath, pause, everything's going to be okay.  And I promise to get back to being a better blogger soon.